Monday Morning Early

This will be a quick entry as it is almost 5am and I will be leaving for work soon:

If I can get through today I will have done the hardest part of my week. I've started taking days one at a time. Sometimes it is all I can handle. It makes life manageable for someone like me who is so frequently overwhelmed. And then tomorrow, I will deal with that day. I am of course looking forward to autumn as I do every year, but this year I think especially because I have been on a journey of self-improvement lately. I'm trying to be the most elegant middle-aged woman I can be. And by autumn I will be that much farther along. It's funny because every winter I look forward to summer because it is too cold, and yet when summer comes I look forward to autumn because it is too hot. 

There is something self-reflective about cozy days, and I am looking forward to them coming. Yes, even the rainy ones. I need to try and leave my house more often this autumn, even if just to go for longer walks. I have all these beautiful clothes that currently only get shown off when I'm at the coffee shop with my dad, or at the grocery store, or on our (now) yearly trips to Bath.

As an aside, I have been listening to self-help podcasts to help me deal with the lingering trauma of my divorce. I hope by autumn something clicks in my brain and it thinks "Aha! I don't have to think about this anymore!" I want to get to the point where my brain is self-soothing, and I no longer have to write M. or call J.M. or talk to S. I want to be self-reliant. And although I have successfully learned to live without others' relationships I still turn to others when I need a listening ear. Maybe someday I will no longer need that as well. If no one is necessary for my survival no one can hurt me. Or so I've been telling myself.